Beta...9

As suspected in my earlier post I went in and had one of the Dr's order a blood test. It came back at 9. Some would say "oh that's great, it's still early" or "what really matters is the doubling time". Which is kind, but I know at this point it's all bullshit. It's just words to say to make me feel better because they don't know what else to say.  Well friends, don't say anything. Just smile and give me a hug, or cry with me, or just listen, just be there for me.  I know deep down that things happen for a reason, no matter how much my sister HATES that saying I know it's true. Things happen, really shitty things, but also really great things.  It's because of these great struggles that we grow, we change, we gain empathy, we gain respect, we gain strength.

Every person on this beautiful earth has shit going on. Every. one. of. US! Some people have greater struggles than others, and all of us handle situations different, not all of us survive our struggles. But we all learn and change those around us.

I hope that through this failed cycle I can become a better person, and not bitter and burdened. It's so damn hard though. Hearing Tootsie's sweet little voice begging for a baby brother (or sister if she must) she can babysit, and help take care of, and play Legos and dragons with. It breaks my heart.

I don't know the path from here, I really don't. I would love to say I'm done, we are finished.  After all that was the plan, right? Win or lose we are only doing 1 round? However, since going through this my ache and desire has only intensified for another little sweet baby. Heaven help me get through this next week.

Prayers, coffee and hugs will definitely be needed.