IVF Round 2.

I have finished school, I have landed a nice little part time job. Things are going exactly as planned. I have been able to plan my past few years precisely.  I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew exactly what it would take to get there. All I had to do was work hard and things would happen.  Up until this point things HAVE happened exactly as I had planned. But now, well now things are getting out of my control. That is the hardest thing about infertility. No control in the end. I can control my appointments, I can control my cycles, I can control how much money we need to throw at fixing the problem, but in the end, the very end, I have zero control. No matter how much I want it, how hard I work, I am not the one who chooses if we have a baby or not. I have to let go of my control issues and trust someone greater. Which is hard, because I have an overwhelming amount of guilt asking for favors from the greater being. I mean really, who am I to be like "hey, what's up? Yeah, I only am asking to take one of your kids and try my best not to fuck them up while they are down here visiting this fucked up world. Are you cool with that?" Yeah, I don't think if some stranger came and asked me I would really be willing to give up one of my kids to them either. I know I am a great person, and me and Jeremy are kick ass parents. But really, I guess it just feels different when you feel like the only one who has control of your fertility isn't all that close to you. I take responsibility, I guess it is my fault for not praying or attending church, but none of that feels right either.

So here we are. IVF round 2. We agreed to do just 1 cycle, that's it. We feel like there is a little dude out there for us, and that is an ironic story too. While working my last month of clinicals at the hospital I was doing an early OB scan on a patient and it hit me like a brick. I wanted another baby. I did. Up until this point I had convinced myself that I was completely content with just Tootsie, but something at that moment stood out, it was time. I didn't say anything to Jeremy about it for a while. Then, a few weeks later he told me that Tootsie had approached him and told him she had a baby brother out there and he needed to go get him. Jeremy said he cried when she told him this, how could he deny her of this. He felt like we needed to try for another baby. I told him of the experience I had earlier and we mutually agreed that we had to move forward. Things have fallen into place (or been pushed there with Jeremy's blood sweat and tears) so that financially we are able to try again.

I have been so consumed with school, work, and registry exams I haven't really had the opportunity to sort through my thoughts and feelings. Yesterday they hit me, hard. I am assuming it's because I start my injections today, but none the less these emotions need to be dealt with. The past few weeks I have not had a good feeling about going forward. It's just been a gut instinct. I can not go forward with the grueling process until it is resolved. Writing is resolution for me. Here is where I sort things out.

I feel guilt, a LOT of guilt, for asking for another child. I have 1 very intelligent, healthy, loving, thriving little girl. How dare I ask for more. While going through this last time, I remember bargaining. "Just let it work this one time and I will never ask for anything else," and yet here I am. Asking for more. How dare I? How dare I ask for more? Who do I think I am? Well, damn it. I am one bad ass mother fucker. I survived this shit once before and I sure as hell am going to try and do it again. Wait, maybe that sounds too arrogant. I am going to be punished with multiples, let's just shoot for one. Let's tone it down a little and try again. Who do I think I am? I am one kick ass Mom who is married to one kick ass Dad who have one kick ass kid, and our little girl needs a friend. A companion. Someone to be with her after we are gone, and dang it. We are going to do everything in our power to make that happen.

I think that is a good start to resolution. I am deserving. I am strong. I have nothing to lose.